Change

I decided to replace the picture at the top of my blog. Since I am experiencing many changes in my life, I thought the butterfly was an appropriate symbol of change. A butterfly begins as a caterpillar that spends time growing and preparing itself to one day go through a most incredible metamorphosis. The result is a delicate, vibrant creature displaying grace and beauty.

We all go through changes as we grow and get older. Change is scary – it’s uncomfortable, but it can be fresh, welcoming, challenging and exciting. Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. I hope with all the changes and new beginnings that lie ahead of me that I, like the butterfly, will have prepared myself to spread my wings and fly with grace and beauty.

The butterfly has one chance to reach its full potential. I on the other hand may have several “metamorphosis” throughout my life. I can emerge from my “cocoon” many times as I continue to have opportunities for growth and development. Instead of running from and fearing change I have decided to do as the caterpillar does – I will seek for growth so I can embrace the me that is yet to be.

"Sweatin' Cuz I'm An Oldie"

I love blog surfing, but I find that most of the blogs are written by young mothers who share stories about their growing families. I love to look at the pictures of the young children and read about the memories they are building while living daily life. As I have mentioned in previous posts - I miss that time of my life. I loved living it. Sometimes I feel out of place where I am right now, but recently I read a blog that talked about having "chapters" in our lives which made me realize it is impossible to remain in the same chapter forever.

So ok - it is TIME TO TURN THE PAGE!!!!!!!

So I begin a NEW CHAPTER!!! The title of this chapter will be, "Sweatin' Cuz I'm An Oldie". As I read other blogs many of the young mothers are pregnant and discuss the discomforts that come with that chapter of their life. Well, hey, this chapter has it's own physical discomforts that I have begun to experience and the first one for me is HOT FLASHES!! Seriously, I will be moving from Vegas in a couple months to a much cooler place, but I won't be leaving the heat behind. I will be taking with me my own private little summer time that will spontaneously occur with no warning at all times of the year. Great!

When a infant is born prematurely one of the problems they have is not being able to thermoregulate their body temperature . So I guess the HOT FLASHES is the first step in the aging process of reverting back to the infant state. It's kind of interesting how our inner body and our mind revert to the infant state, but our outer body takes on the characteristics of a raisin. Ya, real interesting I say with sarcasm.

Without sounding too cliche' - "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". I begin my new chapter. I will think of it as an adventure into unchartered territory (by me anyway). I will always carry with me those past chapters - they have molded me into who I am today. I cherish that part of my story. So far it has been the best part, but I will move forward with excitement and determination as I conquer the challenges that lie ahead. There is still much to be written - who knows, the best might be yet to come. I hope so. Wish me luck.

Whew!!!! Is it hot in here?

Welcome To My World!

This week I thought I'd take a few pictures of where I have spent most of my day for the past almost two years. My sentence is up August 14th at 5:00pm. I will then shed myself of my very faded navy blue scrubs and about 50-75 pounds of respiratory books. I will literally be able to let my hair down and choose my own attire. I will also say good-bye to some very special people who have "endured" this time with me. That part will be a little sad (for 5 minutes), but after spending so much time together we are all kind of looking forward to venturing out on our own. It will be exciting not to mention liberating.

This is our "cell" which maintains a temperature of about 50 degrees.

The guy on the far right is sometimes my "study buddy" Mark - poor guy - he has listened to all my whinning and venting. He too is looking forward to the end. :0)

This is a group of inmates speaking to one of our wardens, Mr. Stark.

The lab - notice the "half" dummies. Respiratory only works from the waist up. No poop is involved. That's for the nurses.

Me and my friend, Lisa. She calls me "mother".

A couple inmates - Matt and Melanie.

Gone Fishin'

Josh and Nicole went fishing tonight and this is what they caught. Two of the biggest catfish I have ever seen.

Poor babies - they were still breathing and flipping around on the counter. Not for long though. Josh gutted them and cleaned them with the really dull knives I have in my kitchen. We had fish guts everywhere. It smells awful in here!!!!

Yuck!!!!

Who Am I?

Someone recently asked me, "what will you do when you don't have to study anymore?". My response was, "rediscover myself". I have been "Robin the student" for so long that I don't know "Robin the non-student" anymore. I mentioned to Billy the other day that I don't know who I am anymore and he said, "you're noone right now". He's right. Not to mean that my existence has no value, but that I have been taken over by the "Pima Pod People" and will not be released from their power until August 14th . I am eager for my reunion with life and for the renewed freedom to become reacquainted with myself.

I look forward to going someplace without the nagging thoughts of "I should be studying" hanging over my head. I can't wait to delete the calender in my brain that constantly flashes upcomming tests and homework assignments. I look forward to being able to go somewhere without a backpack filled with respiratory books, and I am excited to participate in church instead of feeling like a visitor.

School has been exciting and it has opened up many doors for me, but now I want to walk through those doors and experience new challenges. I have worked hard and long. My goal is finally within reach, but the biggest hurdle is at the end where I will need to reach deep within to find that inner strength to carry me over the finish line.

I am thankful for the opportunity to go to school, and I look forward to the service I will be able to perform as a healthcare provider. I so look forward to being "me" again and when this is all over and I am once again reintroduced to life outside of Pima I will have a party and burn my navy blue scrubs.

Mother's Day and Memories

Mother's Day is tomorrow and I am feeling a bit nostalgic. Some days - many days - I miss all that went with being a young mother. I miss diapers and lotions and formula. I miss the feel of a squishy child snuggling in my arms. I miss the "tuck ins" at bedtime with stories and songs. I miss the pitter patter of Jesse's little feet as he walked to my bedroom way too early in the morning to say, "mom, the suns up - you make pancakes now????"

I miss spaghetti faces and peanut butter kisses. I miss bathtime and bedtime and the sweet smell of a clean child. I miss the sweaty smell of a little boy who is dirty from playing all day. I miss the funny words spoken as a two year old begins to talk. I miss the "guna" also know as the screwdriver. No matter how many times I would try to teach Josh to say "screwdriver" he would always say, "guna". I would say it really slow "screwwwwwwdrrriiiivvver" and he would say, "guuuuuuunnnnnna". Oh, he was so funny.

I miss summer time when school was out, I miss the "owies" that only I could make better. I miss Sesame Street, HeMan and Saved by the Bell. I miss Grandpa's pool with Aunt Kari and the girls. I miss Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I miss the Happy Meal with the toy inside. I miss soccer balls and baseballs with cleats and cups and baseball gloves. I miss soccer games and baseball games with seeds, sodas and sunburns.

I miss my little boys.

I am a different kind of mother now. My little boys are grown men and even though our lives are different and they don't need me like they used to we continue to make memories and enjoy life's experiences. They are my friends, my future and the joy of my life. They continue to give me laughter and love and now the feel of a squishy child snuggling in my arms comes from two very special little girls who call me "grandma".

Hard to Leave

This was the view from our car this morning as Billy and I left Pocatello to head home. Those two little faces looking out at us as we drove away was heartbreaking. I've posted a few pictures I took while we were there. Two little girls so full of love - I feel extremely blessed.