Difficult Lessons

This gynormous boulder is how I feel about UMC. It represents the stumbling block in my path, and each day I run head on right into it. Today was another one of those days when I feel as if I am wearing..........THIS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!

Today began with more discouragement and I just felt like I would never be able to learn all I needed to in order to be a good therapist. This rotation has been the most challenging for me and as much as I want to give up and run I realize that I have to endure these difficult times. I don't like it and I don't want to be there, but it's too late to turn back now.

At lunch today there was a sign in the cafeteria that said..............

"The difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone is how you use it"
I liked that.

I thought how appropriate it was for how I was feeling about this rotation. I can either allow the boulder in my path to block my way or I can use it to lift me higher. The situation as UMC is not going to change - I must be the one to change how I look at this experience. So, yes, it's tough. But, I like what Wilma Rudolf said,

"The triumph cannot be had without the struggle"

IT'S TOO QUIET!!!!!!!

Quiet - "free from noise or commotion". UGH! I have decided I love noise. I love the chaos of family, and barking dogs with conversation loud above the television. Tonight as I sit alone in my house the silence is deafening and I miss the noise and commotion of normal everyday life. Josh moved out last weekend taking Buster with him. Billy has been in Idaho for a month so there is no one here. I canceled my television service for a couple of reasons, to save money and so I wouldn't have the distraction from studying. So as a result of all that, it is very QUIET here!! TOO QUIET! How many times over the years of raising children did I wish for just a few hours of peace and quiet? HOURS I said HOURS not months!!!!

I suppose during this time of quiet solitude I have the opportunity to reflect on the many things and people I have taken for granted. Billy has always done so much for me, but has especially lightened my load during the past four years while I have been in school. Since he has been away I have really become aware of just how much he did - even just little things like, remembering Monday and Thursday is garbage day, getting the mail, paying the bills, mowing the grass, making dinner, grocery shopping and the biggest one, keeping my gas tank full! He had my car washed, did his own laundry, cleaned the kitchen and much more. I miss him, but I appreciate that he is forging the way for us to begin our lives in Idaho.

So for now, I will use this quiet time to study study study, and when I am done I will once again enjoy the familiar sounds of my life.

Fragile Life

Today I worked in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) and the largest patient I worked with was 1 pound 11 ounces with the smallest being 1 pound 3 ounces. I have posted a couple pictures of the actual size diaper made for these tiny little babies. The first picture I used a Q-tip to help you get an idea of just how small they are. These diapers are actually quite big on these little 1lb babies if you can believe that.

There were a couple bigger babies in the unit that weren't my patients. I saw a 3 lb baby and thought, "wow that's a big baby" - then I saw a 7lb 2 oz little guy and thought, "gee, he'll be getting up and walking out of here soon". Just two pounds on a baby is a lot. My grand daughter, Abby was four pounds and she was the smallest baby I had ever seen, but compared to what I saw today - she was big.

As I stood above each isolette watching these fragile new lives I became very aware of the human will to live. These tiny little babies begin their lives fighting for every breath with an innate desire to survive. One little boy who was born today amazed me at how strong he was despite being only 12 inches long. The road ahead is long for some of these little ones, but with the inspired medical technology available today the probability is good that they will eventually be right where they should be - cradled in their mother's arms.

Confidence Found

The first four days of my clinicals made me want to run for my life and hide. I am my own worst enemy being extremly hard on myself. However, the last two days have been fantastic. I found the confidence I had lost. I was paired up with a great preceptor who gave me some great advice. She said, "if you ever fake anything - fake confidence". She then taught me and made me do everything despite my hesitations. It was amazing and I had the best time. I spent yesterday working in the E.R. where we were a little slow in the morning, but from 3:00 until 7:00 we ran at full speed. I left the hospital at 7:00 totally exhausted, but with a renewed energy and drive to perserver.

I've spent two years learning from a book, but book work and application are very different. No book can teach you to think fast in a crisis, to anticipate, to have common sense, to remain calm. Those lessons come with experience. Even book knowlege sometimes does not make sense until a learned concept surfaces in a given situation . There are days when I think I can relate to how Helen Keller felt when she finally realized that Annie was trying to teach her that "water" has a name. When a concept is finally made clear to me I get so excited and my passion for this field increases. This is hard - it's uncomfortable, scarey, exciting, energizing, exhausting, fun, funny and very fullfilling. I love it!

Got Energy?

Today I realized that as I have spent the past few years developing my brain I have neglected my body. I'm not as physically active as I like to be. It's been difficult to maintain a consistent exercise program while attending school. Most of my time is spent sitting with my face in a book. I hate it!! I've found that the longer I'm away from exercising the more difficult it is to return to the routine. So today I decided to change that. I planned an exercise program for myself and I'm determined to follow it and build up my endurance. I love to exercise and I always feel so much better. Today I put on my weighted vest and jumped on the treadmill - it felt great.

Tomorrow I'll do it again - after my 12 hours shift at UMC - oh boy!

Learning Is Fun BUT..............

Learning is fun but it also can be humiliating, defeating, and humbling. Today was a day when the gears of my brain were constantly grinding as my preceptor quizzed me extensively about ventilator parameters and proper procedures for various tasks. He required me to answer quickly and use my critical thinking skills, but I often stumbled over the barriers of inexperience and felt my confidence slipping away.
I left the hospital in tears tonight feeling mentally exhausted and overwhelmed with the entire responsibility. As much as I want to be done with school there is a part of me that fears losing the safety net of being able to say, "I'm a student". No more easy excuse for why I screwed up, and really there is no margin for error when there is someones life at risk. No pressure there huh?
Tomorrow I do it all over again, and I'm sure I will stumble many more times, but I will pick myself up, try to toughen up, and just keep going. I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!

Day One At UMC

Today I began my third clinical rotation at University Medical Center and I am exhausted. I worked in Trauma today which was very interesting, but I learned that there is sooooo much more I need to learn. I graduate in August and I find myself questioning whether I'm ready. Am I really ready to be hired as a full-time independent respiratory therapist responsible for peoples lives? Seriously, is this real? It's kind of scarey. Oh the days of being a housewife --no no I said I was going to "turn the page". What was I thinking? Respiratory Therapy???? I remember working in the health office at Basic High School and freaking out when a student would come in with a minor asthma attack. Now I take care of people who are intubated and on a mechanical ventilator. Crazy!
Tonight after work I met my friends, Jim and Jan for dinner to say goodbye before they leave for the summer. As we were waiting to be seated at a table a man fell from his chair - he was having a seizure of some sort. I was still in my scrubs so I ran over to assist and I just started assigning duties - it was weird. Someone called 911, another guy got me a cold cloth, I assessed the guy, took his vitals - blah blah blah then stepped aside when the paramedics arrived. It was kind of cool - - but the coolest part was how the managers were so appreciative they actually gave us our dinner for free.
It's been a long day and I'm rambling, but it was exciting, exhausting, and educational. Not bad for Day Number One. Now I am going to bed so I can do it all over again tomorrow. My day starts at 4:00 a.m. - I'll let you know how Day Two goes. Wish me luck!!!